I have a friend who is in a relationship, but he doesn't want to be in it
anymore. I have told him to break it off with her, but he said that he doesn't
want to hurt her. He is in love with someone else. The person he is in love with
is also in love with him. What advice could you give to me for both him and the
person he is in love with?
Signed,
Helper 1
Dear Helper 1,
Wisdom Wizard believes that you are a good and thoughtful friend to be concerned
about the choices your friend is making in his love life. It is sometimes hard
to watch friends do things or make decisions that seem to cause them pain and
problems. I can understand why you want to help resolve this situation.
While it is difficult to say something that you know is not what someone wants
to hear and will probably be hurtful, it is also often an effective way of
avoiding future hurt, betrayal and disappointment. The truth often has a way of
coming out one way or another. It would be better for her to hear about his
feelings from him rather than from someone else. The woman your friend is dating
may end up feeling foolish and betrayed when she discovers that her partner has
not been honest about his feelings.
My advice is that your friend try to talk to his girlfriend and tell her how he
feels. Try to do this in as kind and gentle a way as possible. It may also be
tempting to break up with her but not tell her about the other person. One of
the things most people want to know when a relationship breaks up is to
understand "why." Again even though this may seem hurtful, most people
appreciate honesty and truth over deceit and insincerity. However, if your
friend continues to not want to share his feelings with her, Wisdom Wizard
suggests that you respect his decision and try to support him as best you can.
He will address this issue when he feels ready to do so and, in the meantime,
you can be a listening ear and a support for him. Sometimes people only
"think about" doing something in preparation for actually doing it. He
may need some more time to prepare for this difficult situation. Give him the
time that he needs.
I wish you and your friend well during this difficult process.
Wisdom Wizard
I am a gay man. I have been thinking about coming out to my parents, but I'm not sure ... ?
Wisdom Wizard,
I am a gay man. I have been thinking of coming out to my parents, but I'm not sure I'm ready. How do I know if it's the right time to let my parents know who I really am? It seems like an important thing for me to do, but I am afraid of how they will react. Also, if I decide to go through with this, do you have any advice on how to go about it?
Thanks,
Coming Out and Nervous
Dear Coming Out and Nervous,
Coming out to others is a big step, which comes for most people after they have
spent some time getting comfortable with their own feelings about being gay.
Usually it is a good idea to come out first to people who are most likely to be
accepting and affirming. I don't know if you have come out to other gay,
lesbian, bisexual or transgender individuals, but it can be very helpful to have
a support system of other gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender individuals to
help decrease your feelings of isolation. I hope that you don't make the
decision to come out because you believe you should, but that you come out only
when you feel confident in your identity and have assessed the risks involved.
This is particularly important when coming out to parents, who may sometimes
resort to responding by cutting off emotional and financial support. If you
think this is a possibility in your case, you may want to make sure that you are
self-supporting and have a strong enough system of emotional support to sustain
you through this process. Of course, most families don't respond this harshly,
but it is important for you to assess your own situation, as you are the person
who can best predict your parents' reactions.
Once you have made the decision to come out, there are a few suggestions I would make to help the process go as smoothly as possible.
I recently found out that I got an STD from someone I slept with a few months ago... ?
Wisdom Wizard,
I recently found out that I got an STD from someone I slept with a few
months ago. I'm definitely going to be more careful from now on. However, now I
know I won't be able to tell a guy that I decide to sleep with that I have this
STD because I'm afraid it will scare him (which it should). This makes me worry
that I won't ever be able to have sex ever again, or at least until I get
married. Please help me figure this out because I'm really scared and upset.
Signed,
Afraid Forever?
Dear Afraid Forever?
I am sorry to hear about the recent issues you have been struggling with.
Learning that you have acquired a sexually transmitted disease can be upsetting,
and has significant implications for your social relationships. I hear you
mention that you intend to be more careful in the future, which is certainly a
step in the right direction, but there are other issues to consider.
I would like to know how well you are dealing with the news related to getting
an STD. How are you feeling about the issue, and have you found friends with
whom you feel you can talk about these issues and your feelings? Social support
is extremely important in these situations.
Also, it is important that you get as much information about the particular STD
as possible. There are many people who live full and sexually active lives in
the context of having an STD. It is critical that you get the facts about
protecting yourself and others, and learn that contracting an STD need not mean
living a life of sexual abstinence. You express concerns about how, and
if, you should tell new sexual partners about your STD. These are certainly
complicated issues. It is important that you consider all aspects of the
decision, including how your future sexual partners might feel if they
discovered later that you did not tell them about your STD. Communication is an
essential element to any relationship (sexual or non-sexual). Honest
communication can be difficult at times, but it certainly seems that efforts to
be honest are both self-rewarding (i.e. less guilt) and rewarding to the
relationship itself, providing an opportunity for increased intimacy in the
friendship/relationship.
Finally, you mention feeling "really scared and upset," and it is
certainly understandable how you might feel this way. The situation you describe
is complex and it is important for you to decide what is the best solution for
yourself and for future sexual partners. Some resources I will suggest are
visiting a counselor (Disease Intervention Specialist) at the Health Department,
or making an appointment with your regular doctor.
Good luck and take care of yourself.
Wisdom Wizard
I am a mother of three children and my middle-aged child is 5 and... ?
I am a mother of three children and my middle-aged child is 5 and driving me crazy. When she is with others, she is a good girl. Everyone says she is so sweet and well behaved. When she is home with my husband and me she is a NIGHTMARE. She is as rotten as they come. I have even thought about leaving my family because I cannot stand the way she acts. I hate being around her. Our other children, ages 13 and 3, are well balanced with every part of life. People have said this is what the middle children do. I do not think any other middle child is like her. There has to be something we can do with her, we have tried everything we can think of to help her.
Losing my mind, please help
Dear Losing my mind,
I can tell that you are a concerned Mom and want the best for your 5 year old and your entire family.
One thing that may be helpful is to contact a child psychologist or your local mental health association for a referral for a child psychologist. These specialists often can quickly get to the root of the problem and assist the family in making any necessary changes. Also, they can assess your daughter to get to the core of the problem. Sometimes these matters are complicated and it is helpful to get outside assistance. I wish the best for you and your family.
Wisdom Wizard