Dear Wisdom Wizard,
I was wondering if you could help me decide if I need grief counseling. You see,
my grandfather recently died. Aside from a cousin who died almost ten years ago,
my grandfather is the first person who I was close to in my family who died. I
suppose I am doing okay with this, but I keep dwelling on his death and how I
wish I could have spent more time with him. Any help you could give me would be
greatly appreciated.
Signed,
Sad and Confused
Dear Sad and Confused,
I am very sorry to hear about the recent death of your grandfather. It sounds as
if you were close to him which makes it especially difficult. I also understands
that an individual's first experience with a death of a close relative may be
the hardest one of all. I hear you saying that you are doing okay but at the
same time find yourself dwelling on his death. This experience is a very common
reaction to the process of grief. Grief is a process which involves a
variety of feelings, thoughts, behaviors, and physical sensations. Some of the
possible reactions associated with grief include feelings of sadness, anger,
helplessness, shock, numbness, disbelief, preoccupation, sleep disturbances, and
social withdrawal. These are only a small number of the many possible reactions
associated with "normal" grieving. Let me reassure you that this
is part of the normal process of grief and individuals who have experienced the
death of a loved one should be encouraged to think, feel, and act in the way
they would like. Another important piece of information relates to the cycle of
grieving. Do not be surprised if, at certain times, you feel as if you are
handling your grandfather's death very well and then suddenly begin to feel the
return of intense feelings. This again is the natural process of grieving which
should not be resisted or viewed as a "set-back" in the healing
process.I also recommend a book entitled "The Grief Recovery Handbook"
by James and Cherry. People can find great comfort in educating themselves about
the grief process. Most times education is only part of the solution. The other
important aspect involves talking to others about your feelings and experiences.
Sometimes this can be especially helpful when talking to other relatives who
knew your grandfather. You may want to speak to a counselor, or even join
a group for grief and loss.
Wisdom Wizard
Wisdom Wizard,
My aunt has been going blind for about a year now due to her diabetes. This
morning my mom called to let me know that she could only see black when she woke
up this morning. Mom says that she is completely distraught. I love my aunt, as
she has always been like another parent to me. I feel terrible. What can I do to
help her in this tough time? She's not a very emotional person that likes hugs
or even to be touched. I really would like to show concern and help her, but I
am not sure what will offend her. I'm sure she won't talk about it because she
isn't that kind of person. Should I follow her lead in what to do?
Signed,
Worried Niece
Dear Worried Niece,
Your aunt is going through a tremendous adjustment to her life, and you are
right to approach her very respectfully at this time. Initially, there may be
denial as to the extent of the changes required or anger and depression as she
comprehends the reality of her loss, and other medical complications that may
accompany it. Since she has lost control of so much, allow her to determine the
pace at which she allows other people in to support and talk with her. Also,
allow her to determine the kind of help that she wants.
Your aunt appears to be talking to your mother about her situation. One
possibility would be to ask your mother to communicate that you would like to
help, and ask that your aunt inform one of you when she thinks it would be OK.
When this does occur, treat your aunt as normally as possible. Sometimes people
with medical problems become frustrated that others treat them as if they are
"walking on eggshells." Instead, take her lead; talk about whatever
fits the situation and ask her if you are uncertain whether she wants to discuss
a particular topic. By doing this she will feel supported and know that you
care.
I applaud you for taking the time to assess how and when to help, rather than
simply rushing in to "fix" things.
Best Wishes,
Wisdom Wizard
Dear Wisdom Wizard
I'm a first-year and in general I was feeling like things have been going pretty
well. I've been doing okay in classes, have made some good friends here, and
joined a couple of organizations that I feel really excited about. There have
been no big dramas going on here or at home, aside from breaking up with this
woman I was dating (and we were only together for a few months, so I think maybe
I'm overreacting.) So that's why I don't understand why I'm feeling really
depressed and stressed out all of a sudden. I'm homesick, too, which I didn't
feel much of at all last semester, and I feel lonely, even though it feels like
I have people around all the time. Now I don't feel like studying as much and
wish I could just take a long break and escape. I've never felt like this
before, and I'm worried that there's something really wrong with me. What do you
think?
Worried and Confused
Dear Worried and Confused,
It sounds confusing! There you were feeling like things were going along fine
and now you don't feel right--and it seems sudden. It may be that the year's
been like this--a nice, relatively steady progression from being new and totally
focused on adjusting to college (and maybe pretty nervous), to feeling more and
more like a part of the community, settled in and more secure. And it sounds
like you did really well, too, connecting with other people, getting involved in
things you care about, and juggling all this with schoolwork. It may be that you
anticipated your first year of adjustment to college as something linear that
would just get better and better with no downturns. After many years of
interacting with college College students, Wisdom Wizard knows this is seldom
the case. Students often have many different kinds of adjustment challenges
during their first year and later, too! Sometimes the beginning is the
most difficult, full of homesickness, loneliness, few friends, anxiety about
schoolwork, and little sense of fitting in. Once that initial phase passes,
these students usually settle in over time, gradually coming to feel that they
have a place at Oberlin and that they can master those areas of life that seemed
so difficult in the first weeks and months. For other students, most things are
easier during the early part of the year, but they experience some
dissatisfaction later on. It may be that the friends they made at the beginning
are drifting away or seem less close than they did before. I have also noticed
that many students don't realize how much mental and physical energy it takes to
adjust to new circumstances, even very good ones. Then, when something difficult
comes along, it can be even harder for them to gauge all that they're putting
into just trying to cope with the environment. This sounds very much like what's
been going on for you. Wisdom Wizard encourages you to take some time to look at
all you have done since starting college, and to give yourself credit for your
accomplishments. You have been doing well, but you may be both expecting
yourself to live up to unrealistic goals and not giving yourself enough credit
for what you have done. If it still feels like things are too much, are
difficult for too long, or interfere with your being able to do the things you
want to do, consider seeing your school counselor and can help you work on
becoming more comfortable with where you are in this challenging process.
Your friend,
Wisdom Wizard