Dear Wisdom Wizard,
I have a well-established pattern in my life of waiting to the last minute to
complete my work. Seeing that it's early in the semester, I was hoping to try to
avoid this problem this semester. Any suggestions? By the way, why do people
procrastinate?
Love,
The Procrastinator
Dear Procrastinator,
I put this response off as long as I could but here goes. Most of us have times
when we put things off until the last minute. There are many reasons why this
can happen. Some of these reasons include: fear of failure, perfectionism, lack
of rewards for work accomplished, self-defeating statements in your own mind,
resentment toward authorities who are requesting that you perform the work,
narcissism, or just simply not wanting to do the work!
For most of us, setting up a time to get started and following through with this
plan will have results. Waiting for motivation is NOT a good strategy. Research
on this subject demonstrates that "ACTION (WORK) PRECEDES MOTIVATION"
which in turn reinforces action and encourages more motivation etc. Repeating
this cycle is far more helpful than the procrastinator's experience of NO WORK
followed by unhappiness and dread which is followed by NO WORK etc.
As you can see the secret is to get started and stick with it. Waiting for
motivation is NOT likely to work out for you. Another strategy is to break large
projects into smaller tasks or study for set time periods with planned breaks of
a specified time limit. If after trying some of these ideas you continue to
struggle, you may want to check out one of these books: Overcoming
Procrastination by Albert Ellis and William Knaus, or The Feeling Good
Handbook, by David Burns. But remember, whatever you decide to do. . .
. DON'T PUT IT OFF!
Best of luck to you,
Wisdom Wizard
Dear Wisdom Wizard,
Since the start of the spring semester, I have been feeling really lonely. My
roommate is busy with school and student organizations. I have some close female
friends, but I sometimes wish I had a boyfriend. I am not an unattractive
person, I guess I'm just feeling plain when I compare myself to others. I often
feel pretty shy when around boys. What can I do to lessen my shyness? Where can
I go to meet boys that are interested more in inner beauty rather than what's on
the exterior?
Signed,
Still Shy
Dear Still Shy,
I'm sorry to hear the start of your semester has been difficult. Yours is a
common complaint for both men and women--feeling shy around potential romantic
partners, and wanting to meet people who will not judge you by your outsides.
Luckily, college is a great time to make changes in how you relate to people,
and to meet lots of interesting and different people. And also, luckily, shyness
can be overcome with practice and effort. First I recommend that you start
enjoying your female friends. Often, people meet others through mutual friends.
If you feel comfortable with your female friends, this is the perfect place to
start. Next, spending time with your friends in places that you enjoy. It seems
that in order to meet people that you like and are attracted to you, it is
important to be yourself and share common interests. You can best be yourself by
doing what you enjoy, whether that is joining a hiking club, singing in a vocal
group, or attending a student group meeting. Sometimes, the best dating
relationships begin from friendships that develop over time. I believe that if
you are yourself, then the people that you make friends with will be the ones
who can see your inner beauty! Even more important, shyness can be
overcome with practice and effort. Many people feel shy around others,
particularly those they are interested in dating. You are certainly not alone!!
I can also recommend a book, Help For Shy People by Gerald Phillips. You
could probably find other books in a bookstore to help, too. The basic premise
in most of these books is that talking to other people is something that you can
learn with practice. You can begin by making intentional conversation with
people that you already feel comfortable with, perhaps by thinking beforehand of
what conversation topics would be interesting, and noticing what works well.
Start with situations that are fairly easy, then progress to slightly more
difficult ones. As you are learning how to talk to other people and what they
find interesting, you will find yourself being more and more comfortable with
yourself. It may take a lot of practice and effort, but it will surely pay
off!!
I wish you the best of luck putting your inner beauty in a place where others
can see it!
Wisdom Wizard
Dear Wisdom Wizard,
I really like my roommate, but she is driving me crazy!
When we first moved in, things were great. Since then, she has been leaving her stuff all over, forgetting to give me my phone messages, and borrowing my CD's without asking. I've tried to not let it bother me, but after 2 months of this, I don't know what else to do. She's really nice, and I don't want to make her mad at me or to hurt her feelings.
Signed,
Ready to Scream
Dear Ready to Scream,
Your problem might be expected when 2 (or more) people are asked to live in a
small space, but there are ways to effectively deal with it. The problem may lie
in communication issues. Have you and your roommate discussed both your
expectations for common living space, borrowing each other's belongings, etc?
Another communication issue is being able to talk to your roommate using
"I" statements, such as, "I don't mind your using my CD's, but
would like you to ask me first," rather than saying, "You're such a
jerk for taking my CD's."
Communication issues such as the above may be all you need to resolve the problem. However, your fear about making her angry may be the central issue. One useful way to think about this is to imagine a continuum ranging from passive, assertive, and aggressive behaviors. You may have been reacting to your roommate in a passive way, i.e. not sharing your feelings with her and letting her decide how to treat you. One way to think about passive, assertive, and aggressive is that passive people let others decide, aggressive people decide for others, and assertive people decide for themselves and let others decide for themselves.
Best of luck to you in resolving the situation.
Wisdom Wizard