Dear Wisdom Wizard,
I am a sophomore in college, and I am feeling a remarkable amount of pressure
(from my parents, friends and relatives) about picking a major. Several of my
friends came to college knowing what they wanted to study, but I feel like I
came to college because I really had no other option. Now, I have to make a
decision that will impact the rest of my life, and I have no clue where to turn.
Could you please provide me with some direction?
Sincerely,
Aimless
Dear Aimless,
It sounds like you are having a really tough time choosing what to study. In
addition, there seem to be several external pressures that may be making your
life a little more stressful (not to mention trying to find time to study and be
a college student.) While you are bound by certain time constraints in terms of
choosing your major, it is important to realize that you can change your mind.
It is also important to remember that just because you are majoring in a field
does not mean you will spend the rest of your career in that field. Perhaps it
would be best for you to review the classes that you have already taken, and
reflect on how the material felt for you. Did you enjoy the work? Were you
interested in the reading? Perhaps you could speak to the professor and find out
what "work" in that field looks like. If all else fails, or you simply
want some objective feedback, you can make an appointment with your school's
Counselor or with your school's academic advisor. They may be helpful in
giving you some direction in your career search. Good luck.
Sincerely,
Wisdom Wizard
Dear Wisdom Wizard,
Hello. I am a first year at college. I have never been very good at making
friends or socializing. Either I come across as negative, stuck-up, or boring to
people (or at least that's what I think others think of me). Most of the time
I'm okay with being alone, but sometimes I'd like someone to talk to that
doesn't require a phone. I think I've already driven away everybody in my dorm,
so that is out of the picture. Sometimes I think my appearance is intimidating,
but I don't ask others to change their appearance, so why should I have to? I
have a lot of strange interests and I think that scares others away also. I
don't know. Any words of wisdom?
Signed,
An Eccentric
Dear Eccentric,
I understand that you are struggling with some very important issues including;
individuality, conformity, and, perhaps, self esteem. It sounds like you really
want to be "yourself," but then you often feel misunderstood and
isolated. You are asking yourself several tough questions. Do I have to be like
everyone else to have friends? What is it about me that others seem to
misunderstand? Am I willing or able to change some things about myself to make
more friends? How can I find people who will be more likely to accept me as I
am? While Wisdom Wizard cannot answer all of these questions, a few suggestions
and a different perspective may help you to clarify your situation and take
action.
I understand it is difficult for some people to make new friends. Some
individuals may be shy, lack confidence, or have under-developed skills in this
area. Many first-year college students haven't had much experience in making new
friends because they haven't had to do so since elementary school. In many ways,
the first year of college can be the most difficult because you are adjusting to
a new environment without the support of family and friends from home as you try
to develop new friends at college. Difficulty in making new friends can cause
students to feel lonely, isolated, and depressed. In this situation, it is easy
to begin questioning your worth and make assumptions about why others are not
responding to you as you would like.
I wonder what you meant when you said you have "driven everyone away"
in your residence hall. Also, why you think you come across as "negative,
stuck-up or boring"? Have friends told you this or could you be making
incorrect assumptions that then prevent you from reaching out and making
friends? Your perspective about how others are responding to you could be a
result of misinterpretation or low self-esteem. It may be important for you to
check out how you come across to others by asking someone you trust and respect
for feedback. Then you can decide whether or not you want to make some
adjustments in that behavior. You may want to reflect upon whether you tend to
initiate conversation with others or do you typically wait for people to
approach you? If your appearance is intimidating, as you suggest, it is unfair
that people judge or avoid getting to know you. However, if you want to have
friends, it may mean that you'll have to put forth extra effort for people to get
to know the "real you" and not be intimidated. I see from your letter
that beneath your "intimidating" exterior is a person with gentle
feelings who wants to be liked and understood. There are many things we
can not control (or even not want to change) about our appearance, but there are
some we can change that sends the message that we are friendly, approachable and
interested in communicating (i.e., smiles, appropriate eye contact, open body
language).
Finally, Wisdom Wizard hears the hurt and loneliness in your letter that
students facing difficulty getting connected can face. It might be helpful to
talk with a counselor about your relationships and identity. A knowledgeable and
caring, but emotionally unentangled perspective, might help you to clarify areas
that you may consider changing, strategies for meeting new people, and tactics
for engaging new acquaintances. I would encourage you to keep up your efforts to
be who you are and to find ways to connect with others.
Best wishes from one eccentric to another,
Wisdom Wizard
Wisdom Wizard:
I feel like the odd man out on this campus. Most people I have met dress
boldly and talk about activism and smoke weed. They say that I should not have
to conform to the ways of society. Yet I am content being in this same body
structure without the need to dye my hair purple, dress in vintage clothing, do
drugs and not shave my legs. Am I a conformist because I refuse to conform?
-Confused
Dear Confused,
We usually speak of "culture shock" when referring to experiences that
involve traveling to different countries or living within the communities of
unfamiliar racial and ethnic and religious groups. However, Wisdom Wizard
believes that the term is applicable to your current situation. Moving to and
finding your way in a new cultural environment is no small task. This is a fact
that you have clearly discovered. Every region of this nation can be seen
to have its own culture. More relevant to your letter, however is that fact that
every college and university (just as every organization and work environment)
has it's own culture. One of the great challenges of cross-cultural interactions
lies in the human tendency to see "my way of doing things as natural and
making perfect sense, and your way of doing things as obviously a little
screwy." This tendency creates particular tension and stress for persons
who find themselves in the minority, persons who are therefore under subtle, and
sometimes not so subtle, pressure to conform. My guess is that you are not the
only one out there feeling as you do, and that there are sources of support for
you from other like-minded students. it is particularly important to identify
and ask for support from other people who share your interests and values.
Bumping up against differences in values, world view and lifestyle can be,
despite its annoying aspects, a great opportunity to learn. Encountering
differences often helps us become clearer about our own values and priorities.
Such experiences also give us an opportunity to learn about and explore other
possibilities. This can only happen, however, in relationships with others who
are open to acknowledging and exploring differences and are not set on making us
clones of themselves.
Although it may take some time, I believe that it is very possible to find others on this campus who are willing to accept you for who you are.
Hang in there.
Wisdom Wizard